My Boy

As I sit here typing holding back my tears I can't help but feel how unfair, one sided, loveless emotions I feel for my son. I want my boy to be loved, and shown off from his family, but that's not the case. To me he feels like a secret, hidden, forbidden. He will never be favored because he isn't the first born grandchild. All I see is pictures, and posts of another, but never or very rarely him. My question is WHY?

He deserves every amount of love and affection, and attention from everyone from that side of his family. Do I see it? NO, does anyone go out of their way to text me or make plans to see him very rarely. My fear is he will grow up barely knowing that side of his family, and I will be fine with it. But I know deep down I can lie and lie, and say I'm fine with it, but I'm not. As a mother it makes me feel upset, or why isn't he getting the same treatment. I can only assume, is it to protect someone's feelings, or do they just not care enough.

I sit here next to my baby boy, and think what if I reached out instead? But why should I? When everyone welcomed someone so random so easily, but with me nothing. No one was there during my pregnancy, or at the hospital. No one reached out nothing, so why? I was never a bad person to anyone, and I'm still not. So why do I feel like my baby is paying the price just because I am no longer with my son's dad anymore. I feel more closer to my first born's family than my seconds. I had even considered my first son's grandma to be my second son's because of how much she would ask me about my baby, and loved seeing pictures of him. No one reached out from my second born's family, not until I did.

Maybe it's resentment I have for everyone treating me like I was nothing when I was pregnant, not one text at all saying " how are you". But treated a complete stranger like they had been together for years. When it was the other way around. As a mom I will always protect my baby as he is growing up, and his feelings, but I also have to remember not everyone we call "family" is blood related. Besides all this my baby is loved by more than enough people, but I guess as his mother I will always want him to be shown off, seen, and given the same amount of attention from his actual family.

So I sit here trying to type the rest of this as I have tears coming down my face in hope I never feel this way again. I know I am not overreacting, and how I feel is completely valid. I had to turn to write this all down instead of blowing up and crying in front of someone. Because most of the time I sound better in my writing than in person trying to explain everything to someone. To my readers parents or not, I hope this writing makes you feel something anything, and makes you see things from my perspective.