Survival Tips From A Mum Of 4

Being a parent is challenging! If you have 4 children or even one, it isn't easy! My eldest is going to be 12 this year. It has taken me many years to learn how to parent without ripping my hair out and becoming totally insane! Every new bundle of joy I welcomed bought a whole new personality into the house and a whole new set of challenges. Even now it is far from perfect and I still hide away in the bathroom at times for 5 minute silence, but I have learnt to cope a little better than before.

Punishments

Something that we all have done as parents. I have struggled with punishing my children in the past. I guess I'm the weak parent, I feel bad for making them sad, or maybe sometimes I just give in for those 5 minutes of silence like I mentioned. I did this pattern for many years. I gave in on all my punishments to make my own life easier, but in the long run, I was only making it more difficult for myself.

My children were not listening or learning. They thought it didn't matter if I told them no or said I would punish them because I'd always go back on my word. I learnt that I had to stick to my punishments, my children were never going to learn otherwise. After many tears and tantrums, taking their tablets and toys away worked! I always give a warning at first to make it fair, i explain very simply to them that if they do this behaviour again the tablet will be turned of and they will lose a day of watching it the next day, i found setting time frames and explaining why they lost it helped alot, but the most important lesson i learnt was to stick to my word and not give their devices back to make my life easier. This made them start listening a bit more, they didn't want to lose their Roblox time. Whilst this was difficult for me and them to start with, learning that I would follow through with punishments has made their behaviour better. To an extent anyway, kids will still be kids.

Reward System

I never used to reward my children for certain good behaviour. I would tell them they had done well and praise them verbally but I never gave a reward unless it was something they had achieved, such as in school. I think that some tasks such as cleaning your toys up after yourself should be something they do anyway. I don't believe in rewarding such behaviour, I tell them well done, but no reward is given for something that they should already know, I know, I probably sound harsh.

Recently I have started to ask my children to help with simple tasks around the house, such as load the dishwasher or put the dishes away or help me put the washing in the machine. These kinds of tasks I don't expect my children to do but I think they should learn. I have now adopted a reward system for these things. I bought a pack of 50 mystery bags from Tiktok Shop, every time they now complete a task, they receive a little mystery gift, there so tiny, there less than 2cm tall but my children absolutely love them, and it's easy to say, they have quite enjoyed doing the bit of extra work since I've introduced this. Changing my whole opinion on rewards, it seems to have really made my children want to help more in the house and has made it feel like less of a chore.

Individual time with each child

This one can be quite hard if you're a parent to multiple children, it definitely has been for me the past couple years. I like to take turns with my children doing things together, it doesn't have to be an expensive day out, it's just a simple day together where you get one on one time with your child. For my eldest especially, she is and never has been the “forgotten child” but having younger siblings means that sometimes they need my individual attention more because they can't do as many things by themselves as her. It is so important to still have that time with them, it brings you closer to that child and makes them feel loved and heard, making the respect better in the parent-child relationship. I like to personalise my days out with them based on each child's personality, my eldest daughter loves and breathes art so I'm taking her to the national gallery and going for a girly lunch straight after. Every child has a different personality and honestly my children would be happy to just go for a walk but that extra effort i feel really makes a difference, ultimately, we want to make our children happy.

Swapping Shouting For Talking

I may be a hypocrite for writing this one, I still haven't managed to always get this one right. If you've ever watched shows such as super-nanny you would have heard the advice of “Getting down to their level”, which basically means when a child has been naughty, you get down to their level and talk to them. I have tried this, and honestly it does seem to work, along with punishments if needed. Talking to them has definitely made my children understand me better. When they've done something wrong I go in and speak to them and explain what they've done wrong. when i shout the whole house just goes into total chaos and meltdowns. I have met parents who claim they always live by this rule and they never shout at their children but im not ashamed to say that sometimes i do lose it, sometimes i do shout. As parents, we have to work, run a home, teach our children right from wrong, take them to school, go to parents evening, take them to their friends birthday parties, buy a present for that same friend, the list is endless, there is no shame to admit that we get overwhelmed and lose it for a minute. I don't personally “Soft Parent” like many claim to on the internet, but as far as soft parenting goes, this is probably one of the points i agree with.

Allow The Help

For a while I was very stubborn and would refuse help from anyone, it was as if I didn't want to admit I was struggling sometimes, but you have to realise eventually that if you're one of the lucky ones who has people around willing to help, accept it! Rarely do i let my children stay over at other houses but that one that my daughter went to stay at her nans house, i felt relief, i missed my child like mad and the house felt eerily quiet for the night but it felt good, i got to do whatever i wanted for a moment and got a mental break. If you can get just a few hours to yourself it's a bonus. I used to think that any time I was alone without the children was a great time to get the housework done, but remember housework and trips to the supermarket isn't a break, it's another chore just without a child hanging on your arm. Put your mental health above the state of your house!

-I'm going to end this how I started it, reminding you that being a parent is difficult. It's OK to get things wrong. As we see more and more parents sharing their life online it can feel hard sometimes. A pressure of a life that we don't seem to have, but remember, no one will ever show everything! A family that shows their children with perfect manners 24/7 and spotless houses have only shared what they choose to share, and they are probably more like you than you think behind the camera. No one is perfect, we all learn alongside our children, I have 4 and I am still learning how to do this parenting thing the right way, but all we can do is try our best and not give in to the pressure to parent the way society tells us.

This story was also published on my Medium Page