Held

I want to be held.

Sometimes it is so bad at night it makes me want to cry.

Or maybe I wanted to cry before and feel if I was being held it would make me feel better.

Am I depressed?

Well…Maybe.

Well… that's what the doctors said it was.

The reason for my mood being so down sometimes.

I was a youngling then, not even 13, and diagnosed with the spectrum of disorders.

Some days I hate it.

I feel normal, so what do the diagnoses mean, that my feeling is wrong?

Why would I need a disorder label if I am not struggling?

But then I end up lying here in bed thinking about how much I would love to be held while I cried?

How much better I would feel if I could be loved and loved in return.

How much it sucks that I can't have that because of my own self-esteem, my own fears, toxicity, and trust.

Hey, that's okay.

The world seems to think depression means you have to be down all the time,

and you have to have signs of it,

but sometimes it's not that way.

Depression for me has been a long journey,

and I have finally, after many years, come to terms with myself that it will never go away.

I understand that the depression will come in swings and I may not feel down all the time.

I understand now that I may have to lie here in bed some nights feeling sad and wanting to be held.

I tried once.

To be held.

I like him very much and really wanted him to be the one to hold me.

I would go as far as to say I may have led him on because of this want.

I don’t understand why I did it.

Okay, that's a lie.

I loved the attention he gave me.

I loved the fact that he wanted to be around me in that way.

The special way he wanted to be around me like any two people who feel a certain way want to.

That's wrong, though, for me anyway.

He made me feel happy but for all the wrong reasons.

I would never have introduced him to my family,

and I couldn't see a future for us.

But oh, how I wanted him to hold me.

Oh, how I loved the sweet words of nothing he would tell me and the nicknames he came up with.

Oh, how I loved how he would kiss the side of my head and tell me I was beautiful.

Oh, how I felt safe and cared for, but knew I would never be able to give him the world as he deserved.

In a relationship, the giving is on both parties' shoulders, and I could not give that to him.

So I finally told myself

“That's enough, you’re being toxic. Let him go!”

I did.

And it hurt.

It hurt so much I cried,

I knew he deserved better.

He deserves a girl who will love him for who he is.

A girl who will be able to return his affections.

A girl who can open her heart to him and not cause him harm.

HE DESERVES a girl who can give him the world and not have him wait on her to be ready.

He deserves more than me

because I was not ready anytime soon with the world he deserved.

So, I want to be held.

I want to lie here in bed on top of someone and cry.

Be held and sob.

For no reason other than I just need to.

And I want to be that person for them one day, too.

So yes, despite knowing deep down tomorrow is a new day and despite the fact that I probably will feel better if I sleep, I want to be held.