Jamais Jochim
Bio
I'm the guy who knows every last fact about Spider-man and if I don't I'll track it down. I love bad movies, enjoy table-top gaming, and probably would drive you crazy if you weren't ready for it.
Stories (295)
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I'm Going to Raise Myself An Army: The Necromantic General
Branchae surveyed the field in front of him. He had thirty zombies in the field, twenty with swords and ten with bows, versus forty orcs. He smiled. He had his twenty swordszombies charge into battle and his ten bowzombies rain arrows on the orcs. His bowzombies would keep changing targets when their targets were eliminated, with one looking for the chieftain. He sent his crawling hand off around the bend to look for the orc leader. The orc leader saw the hand and charged it. The hand retreated and the chieftain followed it. Once he popped into sight of the bowzombies, Branchae had them change their targeting; the chieftain was quickly peppered with arrows. The orcs were easily cleaned up.
By Jamais Jochim22 days ago in Gamers
Valentine's Day Sucks
Valentine’s Day sucks. Boyd sighed as he saw Charlie sidle up to the bar and order a beer. A few feet away sat his girlfriend. This was a problem. His friend Charlie ran a standard Valentino scam on vampires: He would seduce them and then kill them. He was good at it. However, he had a healthy libido, so occasionally he would fall for a target. This could cause complications.
By Jamais Jochim23 days ago in Fiction
Tattoos and Rail Guns Chapter 16: When the Silo Finally Explodes
The morning came. Walker shoved Douglas awake. Douglas tried to cast a spell, but the motion caused him to fall off the bunk. He glared at Walker. After they had dressed, Walker gave Douglas his assigned knife; he had already put on the matching set. “This mission should help test out the daggers.”
By Jamais Jochim24 days ago in Chapters
The Human Encyclopedia: The Scholar Wizard Subclass
Xavier glared at Ganor for the thousandth time. The barbarian wanted a flame for light and the books were the obvious source. The barbarian just want to fulfill a pyromaniac urge, but the scholar needed the books to solve the riddle before them and allow them freedom from the cell they were in. He looked at the books, his background in history helping to figure out which book held the answer to their predicament, and by chance he picked the right book. He translated a passage, and discovered that the solution to the riddle required mixing the chemicals in the right order. He smiled at the memory of his mentor Sandrarius, who had drilled basic alchemy into his head, and through the mixture at the given target.
By Jamais Jochim25 days ago in Gamers
Chicken Soup of the Heart
She was finally asleep. He leapt into action. The flame on the oven went on immediately. He started boiling the chicken broth. He opened up the chicken breasts and plopped them into the broth. Three days ago, she had caught a cold and had never let it go. He chopped up the vegetables, starting with the carrots, moving on to the celery, and even an onion or two. They had tried the Nyquil, the Dayquil, all the quils, all to no effect. He minced parsley and added it, with the vegetables, to the soup. She slept a lot, thankfully, but still retained the temperature.
By Jamais Jochim25 days ago in Fiction
Brass Ring Chapter 13: Catching Up With Chaos
Oliver stood up, disengaging from Cass. “Sorry, guys, I’ve got to go.” Cass put her finger to her lips and blew him a kiss. “Are you sure you want to leave with Teddy? You know he’s a teddy bear.” Teddy looked expectantly. ‘I could rub that fur all day.”
By Jamais Jochim26 days ago in Chapters
Who Says There's Not Enough Room? The Exploding Wizard Subclass
Rollo readied his fireball. He didn’t care that he was in room that was just a 20-feet cube or that several party members were within range; he would just put each in a bubble that would shield them from the bulk of the flames. He just wanted to show the trolls who was boss. He let loose with the spell after giving his party mates minimal damage. He flipped a mental switch to up the flames, and he felt some of the burn himself. THE TROLLS WERE INCINERATED! However, the cleric and paladin gave him an icy glare; he would yet again be paying to have the party healed….
By Jamais Jochim29 days ago in Gamers
LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE: Wrestling Wizard Subclass
Rothaar saw the orc rush the party. So he rushed the orc. Summoning his inner fire, he cloaked himself in a fiery sheath. He then reached down into his primal fury and raged fiery hot. He flung himself at the muscular humanoid, putting it into a chokehold. He grappled the orc to the ground and held it there until it was a burning corpse. He looked around for a moment, then smiled: He had found another target.
By Jamais Jochim29 days ago in Gamers
Be the Anti-Karen For Better Self-Defense
Part of the problem with learning self-defense is remembering that how you interact with others determines how others treat you. This can determine not only how you are treated, but the severity of said treatment. If you treat those around you well, then others will treat you well; if you treat those around you poorly, then you will be treated poorly in turn. This can also determine if people will mess with you or leap to your defense, or even if people will call the police if you get into trouble.
By Jamais Jochim29 days ago in Lifehack
Brass Ring Chapter 12: A Speedster Returns
Paul had to run past the Worthington Private School for Boys to get to the CAPES HQ. He saw something, so ran back to see what was going on. A crowd of boys circled another, pushing and shoving another boy. Paul quickly consulted his mental maps of the area, smiling as he remembered the candy store just a block away. He doubled down on his speed. I wonder if I can do this without them seeing me….
By Jamais Jochim30 days ago in Chapters
Tattoos & Rail Guns Chapter 15: The Chipmunk Killers Prepare For War
Lieutenant Sawyer had just seen the arrival of an APC carrying four powered armor suits. Lieutenant Prowse was inspecting the one she was to pilot, making sure that all of the systems were good and that the ammunition was as promised. She ran it through some basic drills before signing off on it; she was, after all, responsible for the expensive piece of equipment. The armorer delivering got a chill from her as she signed off on it.
By Jamais Jochimabout a month ago in Chapters
